Song of the Day | Exerciser by Rhubarb| Spotify | YouTube
Big Red put his paws up on the back seat and watched the ghostly lion dissolve behind them. He gave a superstitious shiver.
“Nice one. We really handled that well. Good job everybody.”
“You didn’t say anything! You didn’t handle shit!” Soda's heart was still pounding.
“That’s right, unlike you two brash idiots I didn’t feel the need to spar words with ancient terrifying monsters!”
He pointed an accusatory paw at Rowan. “And you! Get your temper under control. What was that back there?”
Soda was surprised to see Rowan look a bit chastened.
“She’s working against me and it hurts,” she admitted in a distant, dispassionate tone. “The terrible thing is, she’s winning. I could fight her and probably win. I think I’m stronger, even now. But she knows that too. And she’s so clever… she knows my mind, my friends, my secrets. She'll do anything to avoid a fair fight. What are we supposed to do?”
There was silence in the car. Soda shifted uncomfortably. She felt desperately sorry for Rowan and couldn’t even imagine what it would be like. To be in love for multiple lifetimes? And then your lover frames you for murder? Big Red reached across and patted Rowan’s shoulder hesitantly.
Soda half-unconsciously reached for her phone to fiddle with, then had a sudden thought.
“Oh! Hey! Hey! I might have an idea.” She was trying not to be too excited.
“What’s that?" Red sounded half interested, half sceptical.
Soda held up her phone. “So there’s this YouTuber that my housemate likes called Trufax–”
“Oh Brigid's baps, that nutjob Mick likes to watch with his breakfast? He’s a total hack.”
“You know about Trufax?”
“What’s a YouTuber?”
The other two ignored Rowan.
“Have you… seen the video about you guys?”
“Yes of course, it’s trash innit? Got it totally wrong. I’ll hope you know I don’t look anything like that when I’m a person.” His tail bristled with affront.
“I bet you love it, you internet fanboy.”
“How dare you!”
“Excuse me, what the fuck are you talking about and how does it help us?”
“Right, sorry, sorry. So there’s a guy who films himself talking about magic conspiracy theories, and he has all these videos you can watch on your phone. And look, I watched a few in the car before and they are… a bit uneven.” Soda shot a warning look at Red before continuing. “But he does seem to know a lot about the community. And I sincerely doubt Evangeline knows anything about him, since he’s just a loon with a webcam and too much time on his hands.”
“This is spurious at best."
“Well, it was something Umbra said. Are we looking for a book, or an answer to a question? And honestly, I never look for answers to questions in books any more. I just look on the internet. Why don’t we at least try it?”
“I… huh. I have no idea if this is a good idea or not. Red?”
“Kid’s got a point, there’s a lot of information online now. And didn’t Penny say something about access to the Aether?”
“Oh yeah! There’s like a whole second internet for magic now too right? Called the Aether. We should get back to phone reception.”
“Where can we go that’s safe?”
“Nowhere in this beast! Most famous magic car there is, innit."
“Oh, fine. You’re probably right. Alright old girl, time to put the disguise on.”
The car started to shake and shudder, all the interior surfaces vibrating. Lilac tendrils curled out of the bonnet and chased up the chassis. Just when Soda thought the whole thing might fall to pieces around them, it gave a final shake, like a wet dog, and it was changed. The lush white leather interiors had been replaced by faded upholstery with suspicious stains on the backseat. The dash crumpled into worn and warping plastic. It shrunk in size, jamming them all abruptly closer together. The car had transformed into a dumpy beater, complete with coat hanger aerial.
“Fuck me! That was weird. But effective!”
“Right. Soda, since you’re in charge. Where are we going?”
“The only place I can think of."
#
“I can’t believe The Rolling Stones are still performing,” tutted Rowan as they pulled into the driveway of Kitty and George’s townhouse. “Keith Richards must be three hundred years old! Somebody’s going to notice.”
“Well I can’t believe The Rolling Stones are warlocks! I guess the age thing has just sort of become a joke on the internet. Like… we need to preserve the planet so Keith has somewhere to live at the end of time. How old do people get anyway?”
“Depends on the person. If someone’s very strong-willed, maybe up to a thousand years. But I’ve only heard of that in Shaolin monks and the like. What’s the point of living forever if you’re just going to sit in one spot?”
“Usually, you get tired of being alive eventually and then you just age out. Humans need a purpose to survive, we can’t just exist and be happy. Stupid complex brains. Expanding consciousness was a mistake. We should’ve stayed in the trees.”
This time Soda had texted ahead, so Mick was already flinging the door open as they walked up to it. He was practically vibrating with excitement. He stared, wide-eyed, at Rowan, briefly speechless.
“Alright kid?”
Big Red's voice came from near the ground, which caused Mick to jump back with fright, collide with Kitty, and send them both tumbling awkwardly back into the hallway.
“So you’re really him?” Mick asked breathlessly, clinging to Kitty, who was grinning maybe the biggest grin Soda had ever seen. “And you’re really… her?”
“I am he,” agreed Red pompously, swishing his tail. “I don’t know what you’ve heard about her.”
“Pleased to make your acquaintance. May we come in? People are trying to murder us.”
“Oh right, right! Uhhh right this way please… ma’am…”
They filed into the living room, which had been hastily 'tidied', mostly by creating piles of junk in each corner.
Mick opened his mouth with a big excited intake of air that suggested to Soda he was winding up for some deranged conspiracy shit, so she cut in.
“Frank was a warlock as well as a thief. He accidentally got something he shouldn’t have, and now it’s mine. We need to help Rowan find some mystical powerful objects before the end of the world in four days.”
“I know, jeez Soda, let me get a word in, I’ve been trying to tell youse! I know all about it from Trufax. You’re on a quest to get the Artefacts of the First before Evangeline Lorenze. We figured it out based on what you told us!”
“Oh my god I just want you to know Soda, that I threw out all my face cream and I won’t be doing spon con for her company any more! Well except for the night serum because it’s really good but like, everything else.”
Kitty shook her head sadly.
“We all knew her skin was too good to be true, we just assumed it was Botox!”
“No ethical consumption under capitalism,” droned a voice from the kitchen, surprising everybody.
“Oh, George! Didn’t hear you mate,” Mick chuckled uneasily. “We’re all a bit on edge at the moment.”
George emerged from the gloom of the kitchen doorway. Soda gulped. Big Red got up and nonchalantly placed himself at Soda’s feet, within easy scooping range.
“I’d be on edge too if I were harbouring wanted criminals."
“Whaddaya mean, wanted criminals?”
Mick was a bad liar generally and was doing a terrible job now. He started sweating.
“These are just Soda’s friends!”
“When did Soda become friends with Rowan Ash?”
He raised one dark, perfectly plucked brow. Soda belatedly noticed he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Some cheek, she thought, coming from a creepy old man hanging out with a bunch of kids.
“Right after she tried to shoot me and blow me up! Now listen George, this is serious okay? If you’re going to stay, please only add constructive information.”
“Hey! How come you know about all this George?”
Kitty sounded put out. George sipped from his mug of tea.
“The Enclave has put out warrants for your arrest, all three of you. Came through on the Aether a few hours ago. Says you’re terrorists bent on using forbidden arts to destroy the world. Soda, I didn’t think you were a terrorist?”
“Ah shit. That’s messy, but expected I guess.”
Rowan didn’t sound surprised.
“Hang on, what’s the Aether? George, are you a warlock too?”
Mick looked like his world was shifting again.
“Vampire,” countered Soda, “and what does that mean? I’ve never even got a parking ticket!”
Her voice squeaked upwards in panic.
“A vampire! That’s so flippin’ cool!”
Kitty's eyes dazzled. George shrugged.
“This confirms what I suspected, which is that Evangeline has convinced House Orleans to back her. Which is a serious problem for us.”
Rowan turned to George.
“Who’s the Patron of the house currently?”
“Rene Mwangi."
"Still!"
"You know the Enclave doesn't like change."
"He's an overblown actuary!"
“I wouldn’t underestimate him. He knows all about computers. His field, right? Big deal since you went away.”
“Do you have a… ‘smart’ phone?”
“Yeah, I got a phone. Everyone’s got a phone. You’re in trouble Ash. Outclassed, outstripped. The world has changed since you were a big shot, and not for the better.”
Another sip.
“Not everybody wants the Covenant to survive, did you think about that?”
She scowled.
“Whatever fairytales you imagine about the Dark Realms aren’t going to come true. Whatever problems we have here, they’re still better than what the Covenant keeps out.”
“You actually believe that Grabber propaganda? I imagined better of you.”
Soda and Red exchanged a worried glance as Rowan’s haystack hair lifted up with static.
“I don’t need to believe anything, bottom feeder. I’ve seen it with my own eyes!”
Time stopped. Darkness rushed in around Soda, the impossibly huge trees closed in around her, she could smell the green pine and the rot, oh god the rot…
She blinked and it was over.
She realised she had a hand on Rowan’s arm, even as it was raised and sparkling lilac at the fingertips. The Stone glowed under her shirt. Rowan was glaring at her with mad, manic intensity. Her pale eyes were radiating with emotion, but what? Soda had no idea what she was trying to communicate with these loaded looks, but now she at least partially understood. Rowan had been to the Dark Forest. She had touched the Stone. Soda tried to say it out loud, but nothing came out. Her face twisted with confusion as she tried again, but no sound would form. Curious.
Rowan lowered her arm, shooting her one last knowing look. She abruptly bowed to George.
“My apologies. I’m having a hard time keeping my temper under control.”
“You rage you lose.”
George sniffed disdainfully and swished out of the kitchen, much like an offended cat.
“Wow, heavy,” said Mick after a moment.
“Yeah it’s pretty much been like this since I left North Star’s place. Now, what’s the news from Trufax?”
“Oh yeah!”
Kitty sprang back into life.
“We watched like, all the videos on the Enclave and stuff! There’s a lot of info to dig into, but there was even some stuff about The First Sorceress! What a bad bitch, am I right?”
“Really? And… this was all from… some boy? With a camera?”
Rowan looked troubled.
“Yeah! He’s really into it.”
“But he’s not a magic user. He can’t be. The Covenant prevents this sort of broadcasting of secrets. I don’t see how this is going to be useful.”
Big Red had leapt up onto the kitchen counter as they all stood around it.
“Let’s have a cuppa."
Mick started collecting random novelty coffee mugs from around the living room, peering into them hesitantly.
“Look, we don’t have any options in the magic world alright? Evangeline is working with the Fed. They have our friends coerced, cornered or surveilled. Not that you and me are real popular these days anyway. Just hear the kids out.”
“Man, I am never gonna get used to that."
Kitty shook her head. She paused, then spontaneously squeezed Big Red in a hug, who looked surprised but gratified.
“I’m still your friend Big Red. I’m not about judging people for having problems with their current body.”
“Thanks Kitty,” Red mumbled weakly from somewhere in her ample cleavage.
Soda glared at him as he resurfaced, shaking her head in silent, contained threat. He shrugged helplessly.
“Anyway!”
Kitty began explaining energetically as Mick fussed about with the tea, interjecting freely.
“So you guys would know all about this but there’s a bunch of factions or houses or clans or whatever in the Enclave, shady Illuminati business am I right?”
“Actually yeah, the Illuminati are in the Enclave!”
“Oh yeah! So fucking wild. I still can’t believe this. So House Orleans is the current like, head house. And their Patron is called Rene Mwangi. And he’s a Technomancer!”
“I don’t think that’s a thing…” said Red.
Kitty and Mick ignored him.
“He can like, talk to computers!”
“I think he can just do maths really well,” Red tried again, to no avail.
“Trufax also has a lot to say about Evangeline Lorenze,” Kitty went on. “Apparently she’s been secretly lobbying governments around the world and spending huge amounts of money buying votes!”
“Oh? That’s curious."
Rowan's attention sharpened.
"What’s she lobbying them for?”
“Environmental stuff! Renewable energy, anti-logging, that sort of thing.”
“…Isn’t that like, a good thing but?”
“Well, yeah!” Mick took over. “But! She’s also been linked to terrorist militias in Africa.”
“Well that’s definitely not a good thing. Like ISIS?”
“No like, all-women groups who protect the rhinos with machine guns and cut off mens’ dicks and stuff.”
“…Right. And what does this have to do with the Artefacts?”
“Hey Rowan asked,” said Mick. “I think it’s better if we just watched the video about the Artefacts, Trufax explains it better than us.”
He handed everybody their tea, and they all filed into the little living room and perched awkwardly on the seats. The video was still queued up. Mick hit play.
A young man’s face filled the screen, the camera focused on his huge grin.
“Hey wassup Truthslayers!”
It quickly zoomed out to him sitting at a computer desk with a headset on. A small, messy bedroom was visible behind him.
“Welcome to another episode of Magic: the Real Fax, I’m Trufax, your guide and guru for all things crazy and paranormal in this wide world!” A logo flashed across the screen:
TRUFAX THE TRUTHSLAYER
SLAYING FOR TRUTH
SINCE 2018
Soda rolled her eyes, freshly reminded of how ridiculous he was. He was gangly, with a long face and a shock of thick black hair standing tall above his head, arranged into a comically huge quiff. He radiated manic energy, his eyes glowing with fervour.
“I’ve got some obscure stuff today my friends, but I know you love it. You love the lore! Me too, me too. This is an ancient legend about a woman called the First Sorceress.”
A 1980s fantasy illustration of a woman with big tits and a tiny fur bikini, holding up a sword, flashed up. Soda thought it might be from Conan the Barbarian. Big Red snorted. Rowan made a grumpy noise of impatience.
“The legend says that the First Sorceress stole magic from the gods and gave it to humanity! She wrote down her secrets in a book, and forged a wand that was a weapon of mass destruction! She briefly ruled over the ancient world as a sorceress-queen!”
A meme of Galadriel from Lord of the Rings appeared.
“Look, I don’t mean to be the voice of reason in any situation,” said Big Red, “but I think this is probably bollocks, and the world is going to end in four days if we don’t find this mysterious object that could literally be anything, anywhere.”
“Man, harsh. Alright, alright.”
Mick skipped the video forward a bit.
“…and fearing that her weak human body might be torn apart by the forces she could wield, which is so hot, the First Sorceress decided to make one final object in order to gain total control!"
Skip. Skip.
"...and this is the coolest part you guys. She was able to create a gateway directly to fight Fate herself, who as we know, is the goddess secretly in charge of everything.”
“Yes, we know."
Rowan talked impatiently over the video."In her grief and madness she struck at the heart of magic, the supposed place where Fate Herself resides. But she failed, and her city was torn down around her. And her son cast the Artefacts away forever. I was hoping for new information.”
Mick frowned in thought. “Hmmm, there’s like… a big section in the middle speculating on where the Sorceress was from…” He skipped some more. “…So we can probably surmise she might have been from the nation of Punt, which got so thoroughly obliterated that we almost never talk about it any more. Which means deep dark skin, short, curvy… she better call me!”
Soda was feeling her plan slipping through her fingers. “Christ, why is this dude so horny?”
“Sorry, it’s not all like this!”
“He once spent fifteen minutes speculating on whether a Filipino Aswang spirit would go on a date with him, and whether she would order entrees.”
“Aren’t they them vampire birds with their tiddies out that split their bodies in half and fly around eatin' peoples’ faces?”
“Okay hang on! One last bit at the end.”
“….reason the myth persists is the classic epic loot on offer: the most powerful magic wand ever created, a book of spells that can change space and time, and a gateway directly to the gods. Sadly all three are missing. However! Whispers of them popping up again have reached my inbox, and so of course I’m sharing them with you today! The book, the wand, and the mysterious third object! I have it on good authority that the third object is actually a cauldron, which totally makes sense for the whole witchy theme generally. You can check out my video on cauldrons here,” he gestured to a link that appeared, “and don’t forget to punch that like button and sub–"
Mick hit pause and looked at them expectantly.
“What do you reckon? Cauldron?”
“Could be,” said Rowan dispassionately. “I researched these myths for years, and searched every corner of the globe chasing them. I’ve seen many translations, suggestions, and assertions. I’ve visited many fake Sorceress temples and been given many fake Sorceress wands.”
Kitty looked at their worn, serious faces. “Man, tough crowd. My last thing I’ve got for you is this. Trufax is online like, all the time, and he’s usually pretty responsive. We could just like, ask him directly? Give him a call if he’s free?”
“Really? Actually no, that’s not at all surprising. Fuck it, why not?”
Soda looked at Rowan expectantly. Rowan shrugged.
“This is your show kid, run down the lead until you hit a dead end."
Kitty smiled sunnily and looked up from her phone. “Okay cool ‘cos I texted him already like ten minutes ago and he said he’s happy to help."
“What did you tell him?”
“That I’m doing an assignment on it for uni.”
Kitty was already texting again, so she didn’t see Soda’s visible sigh of relief.
“Nice one Kitty, good thinking." Red gave Kitty an encouraging little smile.
Kitty beamed with happiness. “Thanks Red you’re the best! Alright, are we ready? Come over and stand behind the armchair and we can all squeeze in.”
Everybody jostled in behind the old creaky armchair. Kitty dialled, and after a few rings, Trufax’s face appeared on the screen, looking pretty much exactly like it did in his videos: surrounded by mess, headset on.
“Is this a group project?” He asked, eyebrows arched.
“Oh my god I am such a huge fan I love you!” Mick squashed his face against Kitty’s.
Kitty shoved Mick off the armchair aggressively. “Sorry about that, just my boyfriend, he loves your channel,” she said with composure. “It absolutely is a group project for my history class on ancient myths with strong female characters. These are my fellow student historians.”
“Well heeey. Always happy to meet some fans." Trufax ran his hand over his quiff. “But like, wow what a story, am I right? So cool. The First Sorceress. I don’t even know why they haven’t made like, ten Netflix series about her yet.”
He had a drawling LA Valley Girl accent that was even more evident on the call.
Rowan leaned into the frame more. “We were having trouble getting primary sources for our …assignment. Would you be so kind as to share where you learned about the First?”
Trufax blinked rapidly, his eyebrows rocketing upwards again. “Woah, lady! I like your necklaces. And hair!”
Rowan frowned in response.
“Haha! Yeah! Anyway, no. I def do not share my sources, soz! They’re like, my golden goose, you know?”
“Riiiiight,” said Soda, picking up the thread as Rowan stood back up and rolled her eyes. “Um. Okay, so, could you like, help us with one bit in particular? We’re really curious about these supposed ‘artefacts’ she had. And we were wondering about the ‘cauldron’ translation. Do you reckon that’s solid or nah?”
Trufax’s face became even more animated.
“Oh shit! What a flippin’ coincidence you should ask about that!”
Soda and Red exchanged ominous glances.
“So just yesterday I get this email from some random account saying that it’s a common mistranslation, and the suffix just means like, container, and it’s got a modifier for storage, not cooking. So more like, a box? Said my video was ‘wrong’ and wanted me to fix it.”
“That is a funny coincidence,” agreed Soda slowly. “What was the email address, can I ask?”
“Uhhh weird personal question? But okay! Mostly because your mature age student friend is so fine.”
Rowan pressed her fist into her palm menacingly, but Trufax wasn't looking. He glanced away at another screen and tapped at his keyboard.
“0-4-5-3-2-d-e-w-y at lost library dot com. No idea. I get all kindsa emails though you know, I live for the weird. I’m swamped at the moment as you can imagine! What a time to be alive!”
“Lost library dot com?” Big Red blurted from his perch on the armchair.
“Not very subtle for a supposedly unfindable library,” sniffed Soda.
Trufax’s eyes shot back to the main screen.
“Did I just? Have I vaped too much today?”
Big Red stuck his face into the camera.
“Hey kid, listen.” he said. “I think you might be in trouble already. You better lay low.”
Trufax was silent for so long, Soda wondered if the screen was frozen.
“That.” He finally said, “was the fucking coolest thing I HAVE EVER SEEN.”
Rowan leaned back down again. “Kid, what’s your name."
“Trufa–"
“No. Your name.”
“Oh, uh. Kevin, ma’am. Kevin Zhang.”
“Alright Kevin. My name is Rowan Ash. Do you know that name?”
His eyes widened to huge saucers and he nodded a tiny little nod.
“Good. I need your help. We need to find the missing Artefact Kevin. Or the world will end.”
“I knew it! I knew–"
“Yes, you did. How did you know? I need you to tell me.”
“I can’t!”
“Yes, you can.”
Her voice had become low and urgent. Her stare could have burned through the fibres of the internet and pierced him right between the eyes. He gulped.
“Alright, alright!” He glanced about, and lowered his voice. “My neighbours talk about it, okay? They’re witches. They don’t know I can hear them through the wall.”
Rowan let out a sharp, honking burst of laughter. “Seven Hells, really? The Covenant, totally circumvented by cheap plasterboard. Wonderful.” She wiped an eye. “But surely not that level of detail about the First?”
“No way lady. I hear them mention stuff and then I go digging for info on message boards and blogs and old ghost websites from the 90s. I really do a lot of research! I heard them mention something about a first sorceress and then I found a book about her at the library. But it wasn’t in the catalogue! Wrong library even. I uh…. Brought it home. Figured no one would miss it.”
“Sounds like the Covenant was already leaking like a sieve,” said Soda.
“Yes, seems so” agreed Red, whiskers twitching. His voice became urgent.
“Get rid of that book, Kevin. And maybe hide. You found something really dangerous. And you’ve come to the attention of dangerous beings.”
Kevin’s eyes shone with unshed tears.
“You alright son?" Asked Red.
“Yeah, yeah I’m cool I’m cool." He wiped his face. “This is just the best day of my whole life, that’s all."
Soda was taken aback. “Thanks for helping us Kevin,” she said with a smile. “Maybe if the world doesn’t end we can meet up sometime.”
“Really?”
Red nodded. “Yeah mate, keen as mustard. Now go hide! And get rid of that book!”
Rowan gave him another stern look. “Try to take the book back to the library. Don’t destroy it. And try to refrain from making any videos about this. Or else you’ll be… jeopardising our new friendship.”
“Yes ma’am."
“And if you hear anything else please let me know!” Kitty added.
“I defs will. I’ll see what I can find out about the ‘box’ theory.”
“Great idea,” said Soda. “Talk soon.”
They hung up, and for a moment there was stunned silence. Then Rowan began pacing again.
“That worked… fantastically well."She sounded troubled.
Soda frowned. “Don’t sound so happy about it!”
“This can't be a coincidence. What are those old bags in that library playing at?”
“Does seem like a setup. But why not just tell us? Why all the bloody nonsense?" Red's tail swished rapidly.
Soda tossed herself on the couch and rubbed her face.“Yeah, a concerning amount of coincidences going on. Definitely some coalescing even. But that is a new lead! Do you think the librarians can be trusted?”
Rowan fiddled with a spinner ring on her middle finger, looking thoughtful. “I don’t know. Who knows with any of that lot? But Lune and Dawn have both helped us so far, so it must benefit them in some way. Let’s hope it continues to benefit us.”
Chapter Eleven: Trufax the Truthslayer
A possibly good idea, anything for the fans, sibling meddling